another day, filled with gratitude

mr. cupcake & i have been "just friends" for awhile now. when we met, i said to him, "i think that you are an angel, and you were sent to me, for a "purpose", to "save me" right now, and when it's over, you'll be gone. (because i needed to be saved!) ~ and he did. he was amazing & was there for me & helped me through the hardest time in my life ~ when i was going to court, fighting for my kids, warding off the "lies" that were being told about me, wondering if the pain & anger & hatred would ever stop? and to feed me daily cupcakes when i got down to 103 pounds :) not the healthiest, but it got me back up to a good weight! the "crap" is still happening, but, i have become strong enough that i can deal with it on my own. i don't "NEED" to be saved anymore. and some days it's reeeeeally fucking hard to do it on my own~ and sometimes i wonder if i'm strong enough, brave enough, ..... am i enough? can i handle this?
and guess what? I CAN! it's hard. but I CAN DO IT!

do you know this little saying?

..

"People always come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.

When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.

..

When someone is in your life for a REASON,

it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly.

They have come to assist you through a difficulty,

or to provide you with guidance and support,

to aid you physically, emotionally, or even spiritually.

They may seem like a godsend to you, and they are.

They are there for the reason you need them to be.

...

Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time,

this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.

...

Sometimes they die. Sometimes they just walk away.

Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.

The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.

...

When people come into your life for a SEASON,

it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.

They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.

They may teach you something you have never done.

They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.

Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

And like Spring turns to Summer and Summer to Fall,

the season eventually ends.

...

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;

those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.

Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway);

and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas in your life.

It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Thank you, Mr. Cupcake, for being part of my life."

i've read it before, many times. but the last time i read it ~ it made me cry, because i KNEW that mr. cupcake was a "reason" ~ i KNEW it when we met, and i knew it when it ended.


my best girlfriend & i were chatting, after mr. cupcake, and i said, with tears in my eyes, "am i stupid? why do i do this? why do i LOVE and TRUST and OPEN my HEART and put my guard down & open myself up so easily? i need to STOP doing that! i need to STOP being that way!" ~ then she got tears in her eyes, and said, "NO! you CAN'T STOP being like that! That is what is so beautiful about you! That is what makes you, YOU! YOU ARE WONDERFUL & LOVING & AMAZING & GIVING ~ don't EVER CHANGE!!! If you stopped being you, then the "bad guys" win!"~

she's right. i know she's right. but a part of me wonders, if i put up walls, if i'm not so honest & open & caring & loving ~ wouldn't that be SAFER? wouldn't i be protecting myself? wouldn't that make it way less likely that i would get HURT again?"

but, there's something to be said about living with your WHOLE HEART, about living without limits, about living without regrets, about living life FULLY and COMPLETELY ever day, every minute, every BREATH!

who wants to live a half-life? going through the motions? doing it because it's "routine"? doing it, because it would be TOO HARD to change?

i lived that way for far too many years ~ going through the motions, doing what was 'expected' of me, doing things i didn't want to do, allowing myself to be treated a way i KNEW i did not deserve, going to bed at night with silent tears, feeling the pain of another wasted day ~ i USED to say to myself "in my next life, i'm not going to get married! in my next life, i'm not going to let someone else tell me what to do & how to do it! i'm going to paint every day! in my next life, i'm going to do all the things that make me happy!" . . . and as i sat there, wallowing in my own self-pity, it's like, the Universe took a great big baseball bat right-upside my head & shouted "WAKE UP ERICA!!! This is it girl! This IS as good as it gets! This life is WHAT YOU MAKE IT!!! Stop waiting for your life to miraculously change ~ get off your ASS & CHANGE IT!!!"

that was a good day, a really good day. that was the day i began to take charge of my own life, and i haven't looked back since.

sketching, cleaning & getting ready for art camp
next week with all my beautiful little butterflies!

LOVE&hugs.
e.