my new art journal & late night ramblings

so, i was up past midnight . . .
drawing and drawing and drawing some more.
i am FULL of it~ drawing painting day-dreaming.
THINKING thinking thinking. . .
Last night, i went to bed.
i laid awake in bed for a long time
i don't think i could even close my eyes.
my brain was spinning
my mouth was smiling
i was counting my LUCKY stars~ the night sky is FULL of them!
every night, before i go to bed, i stand outside, under the stars
& smile
i smile with gratitude
i smile peacefully
i smile joyfully
my HEART smiles.
so, last night i was thinking how lucky i am
and thinking
"how many people get the chance that i have been given?
the chance to, really, start over?
the chance to live my life EXACTLY how i want to
the chance to do what I want to do
the chance to BE who i AM
the chance to say "I am unhappy & unfulfilled"
and actually DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!?"

and then~ i SMACKED myself!

it's not a CHANCE!
i wasn't GIVEN anything!!!
i fought, tooth & nail for where i am!
there were no hand-outs.
there was no 'easy road'.
there were no 'simple decisions'.
it's been a battle UPHILL all the way
i could have given up
i could have given in
i could have settled
i could have compromised
i could have let my life play out on the path i was on
BUT i chose CHANGE
i CHOSE happiness
i CHOSE to be TRUE to myself
i chose to be in the DRIVER'S seat,
rather that a mindless passenger
i chose the HARD ROAD
i chose the unlit PATH
i chose to break away
i chose to fight
i chose to STAND UP for what i knew was right
i CHOSE me.

it is definitely easier to blame our misfortunes & unhappiness on FATE, or CHANCE, or DESTINY, or another PERSON~

easier, yes.

true, NO.

there will only be CHANGE, when YOU MAKE CHANGE happen. i know, i WAITED & WASTED YEARS of my life, waiting for a miracle, waiting for CHANCE to step in & change my life, waiting for my FORTUNE to turn around, WAITING for that PERSON to change . . .
it SUCKS.

WAITING SUCKS.

it's not EASY to be proactive, it's not EASY to rock the boat, it's not EASY to do something that you know will upset other people, . . . no.

not easy.

in fact, so far in my life, it has been the HARDEST thing i have ever had to do.
but, WORTH IT?

FUCK YA!

every tear, ever lonely moment, every despicable act of hatred that has been thrust on me, every awful, disgusting lie that was & still is told about me, watching someone i thought i knew peel off the layers of the mask to reveal something so ugly i could have never, in my worst nightmares, imagined that such a hateful soul existed inside someone i thought i knew.
terrifying.
i wouldn't go back.
i would do it all again, in a second!
so. there is a point here!
i am known to ramble, but, there is a point~ and it's a good one!
my point is this~

the path to the most beautiful place is often dark and terrifying, it will take every fucking ounce of courage you can muster, but, if you stay strong, if you keep your feet on the path, and truth in your heart ~
i PROMISE,
when you get there
there will be more brilliant stars than you could have ever imagined!

it's not CHANCE.

it's CHOICE!

choose to be BRAVE!

i LOVE you!!!
xo.
e.